DEPRESSION-YOU ARE NOT ALONE

‘Why are you hiding parts of yourself?’

The room suddenly becomes smaller, and my fingers involuntarily become preoccupied with the loose hair stuck to my shirt. I dive into the darkest aspects of myself as the conversations melts away.

Where does one begin with the question? Where does an 18-year-old start with answering it?

That is why I ended up seated clicking away at my keyboard attempting to solve the seemingly unsolvable but highly accurate observation.

Where the past and future meet there is a hovering entity called the present. The present is fragile, with paper thin wings fluttering aimlessly through the chaos surrounding it. It is almost bored of having to remain constant. It is where our choices come into being and form a shape which leaves into the next realm of time. The present does not care for the past or the shallow character of the future and therefore the problems become pushed away.

One could say the present exhibits the traits of Narcissus who has the whole world in the shape of his own reflection skidding on the ripples of the river surface. One cannot look away from the absolute beauty of oneself, it is human nature to want to better and improve.

Alas, this is what the present manipulates. Knowing that you must deal with the consequences the present sets obstacles from which you achieve two choices either your desired outcome or the one you never want to face. The present is not picky in which you accomplish however it is rather happy with itself and at its own cunning when you fall into the trap of the worst-case scenario.

I cannot defend the actions of the present. It is tiring having to exist for the sole purpose of creating a moment and knowing the circumstances are relative to whether the observer is willing to use the future to change or the past to dwell on their mistakes made in the current situation.

Yet it is unfair to learn as an individual that the present is not always as teachers preach. It is gruelling and strenuous to make it through and often we lose parts of ourselves along the barren cliffs and mountains we must encounter.

It comes with great reluctance that I share a moment wherein the present lead me to hide the most treasured parts of myself but for the purpose of finding the scattered pieces I lost it is necessary to confide in you as an observer into my experiences.

I like to say I have a good understanding of my inner essence however that is far from the truth. I often find myself unable to fall asleep due to the looming presence of the inevitable future. I take every moment with caution and after countless trails and errors I came up with a seemingly fullproff solution to outsmart the sly and manipulative present.

Every encounter I had where I felt close to someone, I feel the present gloating at its ingenuity of my stumble into the claws of uncontrollable regret. Thus I pull away from the connection to show that I am not moving too fast, I am not too friendly or too funny or too much and therefore I will have a better outcome and conquer the tasks set out before me.

Let us discard the personifications and analogies for a moment.

I am in no way living a life that is leading me to become a better person if I continu e to ultimately deceive myself to project my concerns on an inanimate and abstract concept.

I sit at my desk with a feeling of shame. Why do I hide myself? It is not because of the fleeting moments that we try to grasp as they float away with the reflection of our actions we did not make.

Therefore, I am afraid I am not being honest enough with you dear reader. For it is me wherein the problem lies.

For all my life I have felt a longing to meet the standards set out by myself. I have been published internationally and been interviewed, I have achieved an unshakable reputation amongst my peers and close friends. It was never enough.

I was always too much. Too short. Too funny. Too friendly. Too irritating. Never finding the balance in which I believed I would obtain perfect harmony.

At times I was not enough. I was average. I was enamoured with those I touched. I was breaking apart by the blows of my own criticism.

Then one day I stopped reaching out in fear of turning those I loved to stone. I stopped glancing at those around me in class, I stopped initiating contact with those I admired and eventually I stopped everything.

Those were the loneliest periods of my life.

I resented every ounce of my being. I resented the way I spoke and ate and acted and moved.

Until I did not.

The cycle does not end with happy ever after. The cycle continues constantly until you have the courage to break it.

I had breakthrough moments where I reunited with a part of myself I left behind. I shed away skin I did not need anymore.

I was enough.

That is why my friend, I hide away what I love the most about myself from the reach of others. I am afraid I will start to erode away until my bones are powder, and my heart is too vulnerable.

However, what if that is the most beautiful ending of it all? Unfiltered authenticity exposed to the world. All one could do is embrace oneself for all the flaws and successes because what are we all if not proof that we overcome even the boundaries we set for ourselves?

I cannot hide myself anymore as that would mean deceiving my own magnificence in all its glory and imperfections.