Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
Today: At Work
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this
temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job
on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the
office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore,
I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary." Within a single heart beat
my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???"
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of
goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't
ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Two Italian construction workers were in the field on an
extremely hot day working.. the one says to the other "hey
how come we do all a da work and he gets all a da money?"
pointing to the supervisor.
The other says, "I don't know, go ask him."
So Tony goes up to the supervisor and says "Hey, how come
we do all a da work and you get all a da money?"
The supervisor says "Intelligence".
Tony says "what is this intelligence?"
The supervisor puts his hand on a tree and says "Hita my
hand as hard as you can!"
Tony winds up and with all his might tries to hit the
supervisors hand. Just as he almost does the supervisor
pulls his hand away and Tony hits the tree! The supervisor
says "That's intelligence".
Still smarting Tony goes back to his co-worker and his
co-worker says "Hey what did he say?"
With a sheepish look on his face Tony puts his hand on his
face and says "hita my hand as hard as you can. . ."
I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my
secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an
agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four
hundred a week."
I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600
a week."
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one
of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one.
"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's
the floor he's getting off on."
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a king-size hangover
and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied
the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very
polite. While taking
dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving
the room she said,
"Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his
zipper was open. So,
he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back
into his office. "By the
way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this
morning, did
you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"
"Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran
sitting on two duffel
bags."
After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
blossomed, and they
really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the
opportunity to sneak into a
supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight,
and difficult to enter,
but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I
had known you were a
virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd
known you had more
time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
Bank Teller
A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, "I
want to open a
fucking checking account". "Please sir", she replies, "we can't have
language like that in
here." "Why the Fuck not?" he asked. "Sir," Came her retort, "I must
ask you to refrain
from swearing." "I don't give a shit what you want," he answers, "I
just want to open a
fucking checking account."
With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch
manager. The manager
asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. "Shit yes", came the
reply, "I just won 14
million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking
account." The branch
manager says, "I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a
hard time?"
Source: Jokes2Go