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Sunday’s Jokes 2021-12-26

 

 

Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team

 

Today, the Military

(For mature audiences)

 

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor 
asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked 
when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'  


A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. 
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto 
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not? I said, `No, sir.
I´m too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
I´m sticking this little baby up your ass." "So, did you jump?"
asked the father. 
"Well, a little, at first.


The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many 

Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to 

three of them.  They called Congress and asked them to vote

on a method of determining each General's early retirement

bonus.  After voting Congress decided that each man would 

choose two points of their body to measure between and then 

each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.



    They called in the first General.  He decide to have

them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his

feet.  Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.



    The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched

his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the

tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet.  After 

measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.



    The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked 

them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of

his balls.  Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.  

The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the

measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where

are your balls!!"  With a smile the General said, "I left 

them in Vietnam."



An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair 
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, 
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," 
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his 
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march 
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the 
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients 
now." 
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," 
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing 
a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."


A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The
   marine finishes first and
   washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine
   says to him: hey, in the
   marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The
   sailor says: yeah well, in
   the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.


From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer:  "Alright! How about an attitude check???" 
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." 
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." 
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?" 
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"


The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. 
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up 
into the sky and tell me what you see." 

The CO said "I see millions of stars." 

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?" 

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of 
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells 
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day 
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?" 

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent." 


The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of 
perfectly good aircraft.  "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated 
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay 
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant 
replied.  "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump 
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."



A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part 
of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, 
the captain asked for questions.
     
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen 
to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
     
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air 
and scatter oneself over a wide area."

 

 

Source: Jokes2Go

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