Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
Safest Way to Drive
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by
American driving habits, offers the following advice:
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident
is directly proportional to time spent on the road.
Driving fast decreases one's exposure.
One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk
drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.
Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY
fast.
California Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on
exams given by the California Department of
Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic
School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the
road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a
four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when
backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an
accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested
for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or
being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is
cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red
traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic
problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
by Dennis DiPasquale
The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and
I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light
had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots
of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to
honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty
soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!"
as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him
shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started
honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and
smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been
a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving
in afunny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and
gave himthe good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a
very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled
something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded
like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe
he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A
couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward
me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I
did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window,
gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign,
as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver
eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start
exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one
of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the
side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just
using my emergency flashers!"
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The
man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The
officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were
speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said to
her husband "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns
to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer
then said "Where are you from?" The man replied "Chicago" The
wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man
turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came
from." The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst
fuck ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say,
what did he say?" The man turns back and says "He says he
thinks he knows you."
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what
they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined. "You yuppies are
so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaawd...,"
replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder
where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with
me!'"
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?"
And the minister says, "Just water."
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it again!"
Source: Jokes2Go