Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.
In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his
room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are
completely well. You have the heart function that you did when
you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home
tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any
physical exercise that you like."
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no
worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to
make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate
sex....you'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard
about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on
my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just
maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything
was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...."
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate,
adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron
Katz....... Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's
your wife's first name?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May
Concern"?
Proctologists
Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not
"mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a
certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is
"proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word
strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults
would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I
Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing.
Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you
ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was
Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life
to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is
taken, I'll start at the other end."
Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash-
ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc,
I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he's
one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political
convention.
Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a
considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
people's concept of these doctors of the down under.
o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
their fingernails removed.
o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
"Let our fingers do the walking."
"We'll bend over backwards for you."
"Please, take my seat."
"We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning."
"It looks like the End."
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
like:
"I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar."
"Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you."
"Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!"
"Yes, I see a family resemblance."
"Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low."
"The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..."
"Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let's do a dry run."
"I'm putting you on a low-bean diet."
"Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove."
"How long have you had this crack in your butt?"
"I see you had pizza last night."
"When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?"
"Ah, you must be gay."
"Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?"
"Ooops, I think I lost my watch."
"I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!"
"If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill."
"Gee, I hope I can get this out."
"When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?"
"Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"
Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
[email protected]
Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer.
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I
get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for
17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
Source: Jokes2Go
If you have seen our podcasts, you know how fond we are of televangelists. Found this video and had to share. Enjoy.