Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
The Technologically Challenged
Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk 1 first.
Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail
I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it
works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
Any Ideas???
Diary of an AOL User
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better
hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't
fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next
door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's
just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured
it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this
internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO
COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH
SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY
SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A
BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A
STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER
SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT
SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44
SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEINTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO
POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD.
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT
RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T
NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY.
GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY
MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I
POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY
DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL
MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT
EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CANTHEY LET THESE RUDE
JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I
can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's
laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why
the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story
I
like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Less-Known Computer Languages
Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These
programming languages are well
known and (more or less) well
loved throughout the computer
industry.
There are numerous other
languages however that are less
well known yet still have ardent
devotees. In fact these little
-known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers.
For those who wish to know more
about these obscure languages -
and why they are obscure - I
present the following catalog.
SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym
for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose
Programming Lingusitic
Environment.
This language developed at the
Hanover College for Technological
Misfits was designed to make it
impossible to write code with
errors in it. The statements are
therefore confined to BEGIN-END-
and STOP. No matter how you
arrange the statements you can't
make a syntax error.
Programs written in SIMPLE do
nothing useful.Thus they achieve
the results of programs written
in other languages without the
tedious frustrating process of
testing and debugging.
SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known
for the speed or lack of it of
its compiler. Although many
compilers allow you to take a
coffee break while they compile
SLOBOL compilers allow you to take
a trip to Bolivia to pick up the
coffee. Forty-three programmers
are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while
waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.
Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn
to a related (but infinitely
faster) language...COCAINE.
VALGOL ... (With special thanks to
Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)
- From its modest beginnings in
southern California's San
Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying
a dramatic surge of popularity
across the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY-
LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables
are assigned with the =LIKE and
=TOTALLY operators.Other operators
include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"
FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
code are handled in FOR-SURE loops.
Here is a sample VALGOL program
. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START
. %% IF
. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
. 4K (FERSURE)**2
. 18 THEN
. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
. 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
. -17 SURE
. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
. ? REALLY
. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
VALGOL is characterized by its
unfriendly error messages. For
example when the user makes a
syntax error the interpreter
displays the message GAG ME WITH
A SPOON!
LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is
a derivative of LAIDBACK which
was developed at the (now defunct)
Marin County Center for T'ai Chi
Mellowness and Computer
Programming as an analternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby
silicon valley. The center was
ideal for programmers who liked to
soak in hot tubs while they
worked. Unfortunately few
programmers could survive there
for long since the center outlawed
pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK
because its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language.
For example LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message
SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.
SARTRE ... Named after the late
existential philosopher.SARTRE is
an extremely unstructured
language. Statements in SARTRE have
no purpose they are just there.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to
define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be
boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.
FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision
mathematical language in which
the data types refer to quantity.
The data types range from CC-OUNCE
-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language)
LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients
such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-
CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH
and WHATEVERSAROUND.
The many versions of the FIFTH
language reflect the sophistication
and financial status of its users.
Commands in the ELITE dialect
include VSOP and LAFITE while
commands in the GUTTER dialect
include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a favorite of
frustrated FORTH programmers who
end up using the language.
C-...This language was named
for the grade received by its
creater when he submitted it
as a class project in a
graduate programming class.
C- is best described as a
'Low Level' programming
language.
In fact the language
generally requires more C-
statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given
task. In this respect it
is very similar to COBOL.
LITHP ... This otherwise
unremarkable language is
distinguished by the absence
of an "s" in its character set.
Programmers and users must
substitute"TH". LITHP is said to
be useful in prothething lithtth.
DOGO ... Developed at the
Massachussettes Institute of
Obedience Training. DOGO heralds
a new era of computer literate
pets. DOGO commands include SIT
STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An
innovative feature of DOGO is
'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small
cocker spaniel occasionally leaves
a deposit as he travels across
the screen.
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man". The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto thescene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.
Source: Jokes2Go