Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
Why I Fired My Secretary
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.
*****
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district
manager of the sales department. Just four short months later,
you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to
retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you
say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
*****
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and
a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give
me the broom, I'll show you how."
*****
California Driving Test Answers
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop
at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no
longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light
and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.
*****
A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver
eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start
exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one
of the worst pile-ups in history.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the
side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just
using my emergency flashers!"
*****
There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was
driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and
says "Did you know you were speeding back there." The lady (who is almost deaf) said
to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to his wife and said
"He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?" The man replied
"Chicago" The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?" The man turns to
his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from." The officer then said "Shit,
you know, I had my worst sex ever in Chicago." The lady then says "What did he say,
what did he say?"
The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
*****
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next
to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he
notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indialns have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the
way my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto
Kowalski, nice to meet you."
*****
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
Source: Jokes2Go