Losing My Mom
By Lou Dos Santos
This is a very difficult story to tell. To think of the emptiness I feel from no longer having her here with us. You see, today May 8th would have been her birthday. I’ve tried several times to do this and just stared at a blank screen, closed my lab top and walked away. So you may ask then why do it? See, to me, I no longer have my mom to sit and talk to her. I’m no longer able to eat her amazing cooking, laugh at the things she would say, witness her acts of kindness. No more, never again. That realization is so sad, but it’s life. To say that isn’t comforting, I know. But I do have something that will never leave me. The memories, the knowledge that she loved me, that kindness she expressed to so many that made me so proud. So I write this with a smile and sometimes with tears because I will never forget who she was, how she touched so many lives and I also write this for you. If you’ve lost your mom, you may look back to your wonderful memories and if your mom is still with you, perhaps this will remind you that life is unpredictable. Perhaps you’ll realize how fortunate you are and to try and enjoy her presence every day.
My mom was a short lady, short in stature but ten foot tall in strength. We called her ‘Shorty’ because well, it was fitting. But our Shorty was an amazing woman. I’m not just stating that because she was my mom, yes she was an amazing mom, but how she treated others is something I’ll never forget. In her neighborhood, she was a mom to the adults and a grandma to the children. Speaking of grandma, she was a wonderful grandma to her three granddaughters. She adored them and there was nothing she wouldn’t do for them. It pleases me to know that all three realize how fortunate they were to have her in their lives. She helped raise them from birth, involved in their lives until the morning she passed. As I mentioned her relationship with the families living in her neighborhood, I will come back to that at the end of this story and you will hopefully understand how she touched so many lives.
Her Energy
It always amazed me the energy my mom had. Here is a woman that cooked every single meal, everyday. This is what a normal dinner would be. First she would bring out home made soup, than a salad, then the main course followed by desert and coffee. This was everyday her entire life. Meals that would impress top restaurant chefs. Seafood meals that my God were unbelievable. You know it’s said sometimes you miss something once it’s gone and that is so true. To us as a family, this was normal. She would even grow vegetables in her garden. Imagine unbelievable healthy home cooked meals everyday. And a variety of meals daily from recipes in her head not from a book.
Her Love
To me, there is something that says a lot about a person. Sure how they treat others, but how others view that person. Especially children and animals. As I mentioned, my mom would immediately become every one’s mom, every child’s grandma and animals would bond with her immediately. Every dog or cat she ever had was obsessed with her. I mean obsessed! I remember many times driving over to see her (and eat), and there she was sitting on her bench on her porch surrounded by wild doves. Birds on her shoulder, on her lap eating out of her hand. I firmly believe that animals and children have this ability to sense love, kindness and safety. And that’s what she was, a person full of love for people and animals and always ready to help anyone, without them asking, she just would, it’s just who she was and I was fortunate to observe and admire that until she left us. And I’m very fortunate for those memories. I have a memory of the first and only time she physically punished me. We were outside on the porch and she hit me with a wooden spoon on my hand. She hit me so lightly that I just looked at her. We sat there looking at each other quietly for a minute then we both started to laugh. A mosquito bite would hurt more than her striking me. That’s my memory of my mom physically disciplining me. But you know what? My brother and I were good kids because of how we were raised, because of our mom and dad and the job they did raising us. We both are grateful because we turned out to be good sons as well.
The Heartbreaking Diagnosis.
Mom was ninety one years old. She started to feel sluggish and tired. You may say that well, she’s ninety one. But you would have to know her to understand that she was an amazingly energetic person for fifty much less ninety one. In fact, her mother passed away at the age of one hundred and one. Longevity runs in my mom’s side of the family, my dad’s as well for that matter. But something was wrong. She was having bouts of heartburn, she was getting sluggish and unmotivated, and believe it or not, she couldn’t get motivated to cook. Her doctor who she had been seeing for years kept giving her antacids. Instead of trying to figure out why she was having discomfort, he just pushed antacids for a quick fix. Well after going to a cardiologist, we were told she needed heart surgery to fix a heart valve. This surgery would be robotic not open heart. The surgeon stated he needed to place clips on her valve and that she should be feel much better after rehab and recovery. She agreed, she wanted to feel better and continue to live her life as before, so the surgery was performed. Unfortunately, the surgeon was only able to put in one clip which was insufficient. Several cardiologists discussed the possibility of open heart surgery and determined that she was healthy and strong enough to qualify and she again agreed to go forward. She wanted to live her life. Now there was recovery time and rehab from the first surgery and when she was stronger they started preparing by performing many tests. Something was wrong. We then were given devastating news. Our mom had advanced liver cancer. We were told she had at best, six months. We are convinced that the long term antacids were the cause. She was not a drinker and cancer doesn’t run in the family. The heart surgery was canceled and she was moved to different floor of the hospital for about a week before being released. But there is a touching memory I will never forget. My mom befriended a young lady, one of her nurses. My mom knew about her engagement, about her fiance and her family. They bonded. When my mom was moved to another floor as I mentioned, there was someone that would visit her several times a day, it was that young wonderful nurse. My mom was no longer her patient from the move but the friendship continued. This amazing, wonderful person would come visit my mom on her breaks, sit with her and the two of them would talk and laugh. I remember telling her the diagnosis in the hallway outside my mom’s room and she broke out in tears. I will never forget this, never. And I will be forever grateful for her kindness and the love she had for my mom. And for all the amazing nurses and doctors that took such great care of her.
Going Home.
After leaving the hospital, we had to put her in a rehab facility for several weeks. One of us was there at all times, whether me, my brother, my aunt, my daughters and even my ex-wife who my mom saw as her daughter. After two weeks we decided that we were taking her home, that’s where she wanted to be and where we wanted her as well. We had to make a decision, a decision we never would have imagined. Do we tell her? Do we tell our mom that she is dying? As a family we decided not to, there was no point. The decision was that we would do everything we could for her to live out her life in her own home. My brother and I, grown men fed her, bathed her, wiped her and fed her. We did everything that needed to be done for our mom, sadly knowing she did not want us to. It still breaks my heart as she was getting worse, the bouts of delirium came. I would sit with her in the living room and she would ask me why I won’t take her home, she wanted to go home. I would tell her that she was home and all she could do was to look around the room and look back to me confused. When she would ask me if she was going to get better or when she would say to me to let her go. There were times she would say to me to just take her somewhere, I know she meant to go and die. She did not want to put this burden on us, but for us it was no burden, she’s our mom. When Hospice came we still had to care for her as well until she then was starting to slip away. I remember my thoughts and emotions as she was laying there waiting to pass. My feelings of sorrow and guilt for hoping she would just pass. I didn’t want this for her and she didn’t want this either. She didn’t deserve the suffering she endured, not after the life she lived and the love and kindness she showed to us and others her entire life. But sadly, that is not how life works.
That Morning
I had been sleeping at the house because I wanted to be there when she passed. Early morning the hospice nurse knocked on the bedroom door to say our mom has just passed. My brother and I were there with her as she had been there for us our entire lives. I sat with her and said goodbye. I told my mom to be in peace and to not worry about us, we will look out for each other as we were taught. I thanked her for everything she did and for the mom she had been. I held her hand and cried. For those that don’t already know, I’ve been battling depression my whole life. Those that know me have heard me say this “I shouldn’t be here” The only reason I am is due to my mom. She saved my life. That story is for another time and the reason is, as difficult and painful as this was for me to write, that story is the most difficult for me. I’m not there, not yet.
The Birds Still Sang.
After we all as a family spent time with mom to say our goodbyes, the funeral home came to pick her up. They placed her in a body bag and wheeled her out to the van. My eyes were fixated on her as they took her away. Then something happened that I will never forget. As I raised my eyes I saw members of her neighborhood, her friends, those that called her mom and grandma standing quietly on the street. Couples crying and holding each other as my mom was being placed in the van. There were no words spoken, not a sound. To see the hurt, the respect from her neighbors just gave me a feeling that I honestly can’t put into words and would rather not try. I just want that for me, I want that memory. As the van drove away, the neighborhood slowly dispersed and they all returned to their respective homes, again beside the tears and crying, without speaking. Silence. As the van drove away I noticed something. The birds were still singing. I thought that they were her friends too. I wondered if they would miss her as she bonded with so many of them. I stood there and thought of how many lives she touched. I thought of the respect and love that was shown, as she left her home for the last time. I thought of the relief that the suffering she endured was over. I thought that I will never see her again, that there is another empty chair at the table, the chair next to my dad’s empty chair. I hope that if you still have your mother with you, appreciate her and know how fortunate you are.
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