How Well Intentioned Words Can Have The Unwanted Result
By Lou Dos Santos
I am writing this article because there is a serious issue that I feel needs to be addressed when discussing depression. So many times friends or loved ones of those battling depression feel that they are being helpful by suggesting or a times commanding they “snap out of it” or “move on” or “toughen up”. Another tactic seems to remind or attempt to convince that person that “you have so much” and “there are so many worse off than you” and many other statements that I understand are most often made with the best of intentions, however, I hope I’m able to express to you how hurtful, detrimental and sometimes, very harmful and even dangerous this tactic can be. For those who have read my articles, you know that I have been battling depression most of my life and continue to this day. I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of these simple yet detrimental suggestions and therefore my goal is to reach those with a loved one struggling, fighting this monster called depression. I hope you will stop at times and give some thought to what I am ‘trying’ to explain. Now I say ‘trying’ because for someone who does not understand depression to get an idea of what that loved one is going through, it really is up to you to listen, think and try to imagine how they feel. Difficult you say? Simple answer is yes. But as we’ve come to learn, some of the most difficult things in life are the most worthwhile.
The command.
This to me is an issue that makes me cringe when I think of a child or a young person being told by a parent “SNAP OUT OF IT”. There are so many parents that believe they have the power or control over their children to solve any problem. The belief that they are the parents, the adults who know best and therefore can just order or command to get the results they seek. Such as “Dinner’s ready, come eat” or “Lights out, time for bed” or “Do your homework” and I will say, we’ve all done it. Of course there needs to be structure in the home because respect for rules and others in and out of the home are lessons that need to be learned. I believe we can agree on this, at least I hope we can. However, when a child is battling depression, that tactic needs to change. The model of “I’m the parent so you do as I say” does not apply here in the battle with depression. This now is where a parent stops ordering, insisting and starts to ask questions and listening. The mentality of “do as I say” needs to change to “what can I do?” And what can you as a parent do? That all depends, are you willing to listen? Are you willing to accept that if you don’t understand, you will do all you can to try and learn? Are you willing to accept that this could be a difficult and lengthy process? If the answer is yes, then you are indeed on your way to help your child. By letting your child know that they are not alone in their struggle, but instead you are an ally right there by there side, you may have broken down that wall and now can look forward to improving and changing your child’s life.
Remove the Stigma or amplify it?
Let me explain some of the feelings that those battling depression feel and often times are consumed by. “I feel worthless” “I’m a failure” “No one understands” “No one cares” “I’m lonely” and many others. Sounds terrible doesn’t it? It is, because it’s an illness! If you’re unable to understand because you’ve never experienced these feelings, than you are fortunate, but many are not, and one of those may be your own child. I promise you, the feeling of being “broken” is horrible and nearly took my life and sadly takes many, every day, including children. So give this some thought. If a child is experiencing feelings of failure, weakness and despair how is a command or suggestion no matter how well intentioned or presented going to help? You are suggesting that the solution for what they are feeling is so simple yet they are incapable of “snapping out of it” or unable to simply “get over it”, than how does that help with the feeling of failure or weakness? You’re simply reinforcing those feelings, and guess what? They now are also feeling that they are failing again, not just themselves but now they are failing you as well. That feeling of there being a simple solution, but I’m so weak and worthless I can’t do it. How is this helpful? There are parents that need to get past the “cowboy up mentality” with their kids, especially when there is mental illness involved. And I plead with you, NEVER brush off your child’s condition as a “phase” and I’ll explain why. In 2020 in the United States there were 11.1 suicides per 100,000 in the age group between 15-19 years of age. This is not acceptable! And there are issues for which there are no statistics. Their lives going forward. The years lost, failed relationships and other mental and health conditions that come that change a life forever.
I feel that I may have gotten a bit agitated during the writing of this article. I will, however, not apologize. This is a passion for me, to try and reach people battling depression and their loved ones. I still fight. And if a parent is reading this, I know you want the best for your child and I do as well. I have a special feeling for young people. I don’t envy them, I think of the wonderful and glorious times ahead of them. I wish them a bright future, I worry as well. I’m a dad, I guess that’s part of it. But as those who know me, you have heard me say “I shouldn’t be here” but also say “I’m still here” and therefore I will fight for myself and others. And as for you Moms and Dads, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and all those who have a loved one struggling. There are resources that exist to help. Don’t feel helpless, research, be strategic and loving and understanding, may sound complex. At times it may be, but the alternative of doing nothing is well, simply unacceptable. If you need help, you can reach out through our website, If I can help in any way, I will.
Remember, there may be someone that needs you, that someone could be looking at you at this moment or in your own home.
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