DEPRESSION-YOU ARE NOT ALONE

 

 

Everything Happens For A Reason Part 1

By Maika Maï

Why didn’t I listen to my Intuition?

“I believe in intuitions and inspirations…I sometimes FEEL that I am right. I do not KNOW that I am.”

― Albert Einstein

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Everything seemed to be going perfectly fine until that day came, an argument over the tomato mozzarella salad, the first red flag…

As I was intensely in love at the time, I was too blind to realise he wasn’t ready for a relationship; even worse, he likes to have a lonely life. It all started in Paris; Stephen and I met in 2003; we didn’t stay together for long for some reason. But the moment when my eyes crossed his eyes, something happened; I thought I could see his soul. I lived, and he worked on the same street for years without noticing it.

One afternoon, I finished school earlier - went out with my friend Sandrine; At that very moment, I saw a very tall man with incredible charm come our way, he took off his helmet, and I could see his long, curly hair blowing in the wind. I looked at him like an idiot and said to Sandrine: “What should I do?

Sandrine “what should you do?” I answered her, “I like this tall guy” Sandrine went “, oh that handsome man…, let me take care of it.” I was terrified; all I was thinking of was, “Please, Sandrine, don’t talk to him!” and of course, she did talk to him. I could see both of them coming toward me, my heartbeat a thousand miles, then a warm voice started talking to me: “My name is Stephen, nice to meet you”. I couldn’t say anything else than “Sophie, nice to meet you too”. He kept on going, “your friend gave me your number; I will give you a call soon”. OMG, that made my day!

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Thanks to Facebook, we found each other again 14 years later. In my memories, Stephen was unique enough to get me thinking of him when my relationships ended.

In 2017, after my last two years of relationship with David and being single for over a year, I contacted Stephen by texting him via Facebook Messenger; he answered my text right away; I was so surprised because I didn’t expect him to be so responsive. We exchanged texts; then I asked him if we could talk on the phone, and he said “yes”. I was so nervous and excited to call her at the same time. I hit the call button, and there was the sound of that familiar voice I could never forget, and it was like we had never stopped talking since the day we first met.

A month later, Stephen came to Sydney to visit me; we fell in love again. It was too quick to be true; we reciprocally wanted to commit to a long-lasting relationship, including marriage and children.

The story of a wonderland began right in front of me, two amazing months we spent together before he went back to France. I said to myself, this guy is too perfect; he doesn’t even have flaws, it got me thinking he might be hiding something, but I didn’t think anything further.

Stephen went back to France with the idea of selling his belongings and renting his apartment out so that he could join me in Sydney for good. We were even thinking of building up a business together, an “oysters and white wine bar”. Before he went back to France, we had a big fight over the tomato mozzarella salad; that should have alerted me, but I hadn’t thought of any red flag sign as I was profoundly in love with Stephen.

Two months went through. Stephen and I have been apart from each other it sounded like an eternity, we video-called every day, and each time was 5 to 6 hours on the phone. Finally, he got back to Sydney, I was late to pick him up at the airport, and he was displeased.

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When I was sharing a house with six other housemates in Darlinghurst, Stephen got a casual job and enrolled in a college to study English. I worked as a Marketing Manager in a Jewellery Studio, which Natalie Barney owned; I have waited for the sponsorship visa from immigration. It was supposed to be six months long before I got the answer. Stephen and I decided to lease our place; after moving into our home a couple of days later, I got a phone call from my agent that said the immigration had refused my visa application for the 3rd time. My heart melted into pieces.

The nightmare started right there. The one-bedroom we lived in was on Cleveland Street, the main street heavily high in traffic day and night. We couldn’t sleep as the wall vibrated when a big truck passed. Besides, I had to tell Stephen about the visa refusal. As I knew that Stephen had just come back to Sydney a couple of weeks ago, our new place sucked. That is how we started to fight heavily every single day. Any topic would lead to a big fight.

The immigration said I got a month to leave the country. Stephen was distraught at me; he didn’t want to stay any longer in Sydney; “Je ne veux plus dépenser un centime de plus dans ce pays”, he said. The atmosphere was weighty by seeing each other daily.

Finally, we repurchased our flight tickets home. He became a very selfish person, didn’t want to share anything with me anymore, no more hugging, no more kissing. I was devastated and felt very lonely. I had to pack and give away all my stuff that wasn’t essential. I thought of staying in Sydney; then, he could fly back home independently. But as I was blindly in love with him, I would have tried anything to make our relationship work. But nothing was good enough for him; I couldn’t recognise him anymore; it wasn’t the person I fell in love with.

Photo by Daniel Lim on UnsplashBoarding time, here we go to the international airport. It was the longest flight ever; even flying alone was much more fun. Of course, we fought repeatedly; Stephen called me a racist because I commented on a Muslim Lady who put too much makeup on; the only thing we could see was her eyes. Then he ignored me throughout the flight. I cried a lot. I felt so emotional about everything; it sounded like the entire world was against me.

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Paris, after flying for 26 hours, I was terrified, devastated, lonely, and unloved but excited; all these feelings covered me. I finally told him that I would end our relationship right there; I could stay in Paris - he can catch the train to his hometown, Clermont Ferrand. But he didn’t want to end it for some reason. He bought two train tickets for both of us.

We got onto the train toward Clermont Ferrand; he went silent, and weird vibes occurred again. Hopeless, my tears just welled up. I stood up and walked into the toilet, crying out loud like a baby. I said to myself while looking in the mirror, “all is well; everything happens for a reason”, walking back to my seat, feeling a bit more confident. I looked into his eyes and told him that I would catch the train back to Paris if he were not talking to me; 15 minutes before the train arrived at Clermont Ferrand train station, which meant facing his family for the first time.

He ended up saying, “don’t be silly,” I asked him why he said because “I care about you”…

I remember it was a late evening; his sister came with her son to pick us up. We had dinner at her place; Fanny and Rob have two children, a 5-year-old son and a 20-month-old daughter. The atmosphere of the dining room was animated by those two little angels. I realised how much I love kids.

We stayed at his father’s place while seeking our place. We were in love again, I thought, but a couple of days later, all odd and nasty arguments came back out of nowhere. Plus, my periods were over 3 weeks late. We went to the pharmacy together to buy a pregnancy test, I did the test, and it was positive; I had no clue what and how to feel at the time; the situation was so confusing, I was happy and unhappy at the same time, very scared of his reaction. But it was about time to tell him the truth. All he said was, “well, it’s all you are concerned” I stayed shut for several seconds, then put on my sneakers, took my coat, and left.

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Or maybe I did…?

All I could think about was, ‘I am a mother now; I need to protect my child’. When you are pregnant, you are developing a mother instinct naturally. I felt such a fantastic sensation that I could talk to my child already; deep down in my heart, I knew that I would keep the baby.

Stephen followed me, and thanks to God because I didn’t know where I was heading to. He convinced me to go back to his father’s place, as it was late and freezing. I didn’t feel the cold and was thrilled to sit on the ground in front of a place de Jaude contemplating the full moon.