Some say laughter is the best medicine, so, on Sundays, we post some jokes to hopefully brighten your day. – Editorial Team
Today we do politics, (yes, some of these are old).
New Chemical Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively
named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75
vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass
of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally
occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
Iraqi vs. American
Average Iraqi
Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American
Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park
Average Iraqi
Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American
Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi
Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American
Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi
Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
by West
Average American
Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies
Average Iraqi
Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American
Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die
Average Iraqi
Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest
Average American
Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip
Average Iraqi
Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius
Average American
Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
Bill of No Rights
by
Lewis W. Napper
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko
bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
Rights.
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave
the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from
the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of
us get together and kill you.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,
or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments
and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend
so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military
uniform and a funny hat.
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.
http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper [email protected]
Democrats V. Republicans
What it all boils down to
ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift
| health care | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
| 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate
her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first
student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy
instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts
out, "John F. Kennedy!"
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know
who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill
Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
The Math Test
California officials have determined that students would probably do better
with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples.
Towards that end, may I present:
The City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:_______________________________
Gang:___________________________
1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by
shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance
of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?
4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4.
If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to
make $800?
6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for
killing the bitch that spent his money?
7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang.
What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She
gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up
15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000.
If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will
he lose by jumping bail?
Source: Jokes2Go